


I Already Forgave You

by twilightstarr



Series: Building New Memories [3]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Asra (The Arcana) Route, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Mentioned Character Death, Mentions of unethical medical research, Mild canon divergence, Other, Polyamory, Queerplatonic apprentice & asra, Suggestive Dialogue, break ups, faust being an emotional support snake, lucio being a nuisance, mentions of the plague, my apprentice isn't present but they're mentioned a lot, unhealthy relationship becoming healthy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24899749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twilightstarr/pseuds/twilightstarr
Summary: Regaining his memories brings back regrets for Julian. He and Asra have a more in depth discussion about the past.
Relationships: Apprentice/Asra/Julian Devorak, Mainly Asra/julian
Series: Building New Memories [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1798564
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	I Already Forgave You

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after and has a few references to events in I Never Really Thought That You'd Come Tonight as well as Go The Fuck to Sleep Julian, which I stopped to write in the middle of working on this.

Asra tensed as footsteps approached the fountain, but it was just Ilya, again. 

"How's Amaranth?" 

"Haven't heard from them since the last time you asked." Which had been around half an hour ago. It came out harsher than intended, Asra realized, when Ilya flinched. 

"Right. Sorry." 

"No, it's okay. I'm worried too," he admitted. 

It didn't seem to make Ilya feel any better, and an awkward silence hung between them for a few seconds. 

"Well," Ilya said at last, fidgeting with his ribbon, "I'll just… leave you to it then." No, that wasn't what Asra wanted.

"Do you want to sit with me?" 

"Do you want me to?" 

"Yes, if _you_ want to." 

Ilya sat with him, but didn't settle into it. Now they were just uncomfortable closer together. "You're sure I won't just get in the way of your… magic water stuff?" 

"I'm sure." Asra took another look around the garden to make sure they were alone, then removed Ilya's mask, and guided him into a kiss--but stopped when Ilya hesitated. 

"I'm sorry!" 

There was something else going on here, besides missing Amaranth. "What's wrong?" 

"I just… it's… I mean… it's nothing." He looked away from Asra, arms folding over his heart unconvincingly. 

"Uh huh." 

"You already have enough to worry about." 

"Worrying about Amma isn't going to make them turn up any faster, but maybe I can actually do something for _you_." 

Ilya glanced at him and gave in. "How much do you remember about… our relationship?" 

"I don't think I'm missing anything there." 

"I was." 

Dread filled Asra. After visiting the Hanged Man, Ilya must have remembered something that had made him reconsider forgiving Asra and giving him another chance. 

"You remember that fight then? The one… that was the last straw to break us. I could never remember exactly what it was we fought about, just that I felt terrible afterwards, and that there was _something_ I regretted. But now it's all come back to me. I… I can't believe I said that to you." A tear fell down his cheek. "I'm so sorry Asra." 

Of course he would have to have forgotten the details of that argument. He'd forgotten about Amaranth. 

  
  
  
  


_Asra sighed in the comfortable quiet of his shop. It was always good to be back. There were some ingredients here he needed. He’d return to the palace with them in the morning and take the excuse to sleep at home tonight._

_He was on his way to the stairs when he spotted a large, dark form moving in the evening shadows at the tarot table, and his tranquility was shattered._

_Startled, Asra summoned a bright light, and then recognized Ilya. He stepped out and leaned against the wall. “Asra, we need to talk.”_

_What a needlessly dramatic and disturbing entrance. “Not now. I’m tired. But you can come to bed with me if you want.”_

_Ilya nearly caved to temptation and Asra’s gaze, but resisted the bait. “Maybe if you tell me why you’ve been avoiding me for the last week.”_

_“I haven’t been…” Had he?_

_Ilya’s eyes narrowed, and Asra lacked the certainty to finish denying it. For once, Ilya won a staredown._

_Asra supposed it had started with that silly little tipsy rant about Lucio after a day of him being particularly obnoxious. Ilya had supported his venting, offering a few unflattering imitations of the count. Somehow, from there, Asra had found himself in Ilya's arms, divulging what had happened to his parents, and at some point being carried to bed._

_It wasn't that he'd meant to avoid Ilya himself, just that soft longing look he'd been giving Asra since--the one that said he thought they knew each other now, that he craved Asra's soul after getting a taste, and that he believed Asra could love him._

_He couldn't. His heart had died with Amaranth._

_"What did I do?" Ilya demanded._

_"You keep looking at me like… like…"_

_"Like_ **_what?_ ** _Like I_ **_love_ ** _you?" He spat, the most venomous confession Asra had ever heard. Not that it was much of a revelation. If they were being honest with themselves, Ilya's feelings were something they had both known about for a while now, but never directly acknowledged--until now._

 _"Yeah, like that," Asra mumbled. He'd rather be talking to_ **_Lucio_ ** _than having this conversation, but he supposed he should have known Ilya would confront him eventually, and that the longer it waited, the worse it would be._

_"Asra." His voice softened, and a hand reached for the face that had turned away from him._

_Asra grabbed his hand. "I don't…" He had no right to say he loved Ilya, yet he couldn't bring himself to say that he_ **_didn't_ ** _. He released, and Ilya let the hand fall. “I told you this wasn't going to be serious."_

_“Yes, you did. But then you started calling me Ilya after I told you about Nevivon, and you put the portal in my dungeon office you're not supposed to know about, and you got jealous when you saw me flirting with Nadia, and then you told me about your parents.”_

_“Because you made me!” Asra glared. Ilya had seized an opportune moment of vulnerability to slip past his defenses against his will, and he was justified in being annoyed about it. And he most definitely didn’t care who else Ilya flirted with, and he just so happened to like 'Ilya' better than 'Julian'._

_“I don’t think I could ever make you do anything,” Ilya chuckled. “All I did was hold you, darling. You seemed perfectly comfortable with it at the time.”_

_Was he_ **_gloating_ ** _?! Over some delusion that he was slowly worming his way into Asra’s heart? His heart that didn’t exist? “Shut up!” he growled._

_Ilya bowed his head. “Alright, I’m sorry! If you’re that upset, then punish me however you want, and I’ll pretend that night never happened.”_

_A feral part of Asra pulled him forward with thoughts of cutting off his breath, tugging his hair, dragging him to the floor--_

_A tear slipped down Ilya's cheek._

_This wasn’t about Ilya wanting the pain--not really. It was about feeling like he deserved it. Asra was already terrible for having gotten Ilya caught up in him and then ignoring his feelings, but he wasn’t going to start being terrible enough to actively take part in his self-destructive tendencies._

_He reached out, and gently laid his hand on Ilya's face, brushing the tear away. He looked back at Asra with surprise, then pulled him in close and tight._

_It was warm and comfortable, and for a moment, Asra indulged, sinking into it, nearly forgetting that anything was wrong. But there was a tremor in Ilya's chest and a desperation in his hold, and Asra was the cause of it._

_"Ilya, if I'm causing you pain…" Why was it so hard to suggest? "...maybe you should leave."_

_"No!" He squeezed harder. "I'll forgive you. You need me for something. I don't care what you want to call it. I can be whatever that is to you. I'm yours."_

_Could he stop having a martyr complex for five minutes? It made something in Asra ache, something that yearned to steal Ilya away to Nopal, something that terrified him because it would never happen. He would sooner let the plague take him away as well then leave this damned city to its collapse. It had him on the cusp of losing his composure too, here, in Ilya's embrace, yet again._

_Abruptly, Asra pushed himself away. "I need you to leave now."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"I need space to think."_

_Ilya backed further into the wall, as though pushed far more than he had been. "You're… are you breaking up with me?"_

_"I didn't say that." He had no idea what to do. That was why he needed to think about it._

_"You are, aren't you? You're just going to keep ignoring me until I give up! All because I dared to love you and make you feel something you're too much of a coward to face!"_

_"You don't know me!" He was just desperate for attention, grasping at straws, being dramatic as usual._

_"You're right, I don't. You never let me! I bet you never let Amaranth really know you either!"_

_Asra gasped. "How… I never told you about Amaranth." Ilya was eager to know any little piece of Asra he could. For a moment, he feared, would he go so far as stalking him? Asking about him in town until someone mentioned his deceased platonic partner? Coming in here sometime when Asra wasn't home and poking around until he happened upon a reference to them?_

_"No…" He turned out from between Asra and the wall with a swish of his coat. Even through the tears, a part of him relished delivering the revelation, "But_ **_they_ ** _told me about_ **_you_ ** _. They were my apprentice, after you_ **_left_ ** _them."_

_Amaranth had said they were going to start studying medicine again, and it seemed they'd decided, even though approaching new people was hard for them, and even in the wake of their devastating breakup, that it was better to seek business elsewhere than go back to their mother's clinic._

_It was surely a good thing for Amaranth, then, that they had come upon Ilya. He would have been patient and gentle with any anxiety or sadness that showed, and wouldn't have immediately dismissed them for it. He would have been exactly what they needed at the time--a kind, unintimidating, endearingly awkward source of guidance, and probably comfort as well. And in return, Amaranth would have reminded him to take care of himself too, and been far warmer to him than Asra could be. They would have grown close, he was sure. They were so perfect for each other it made him feel sick._

_"If you could bear to break Amaranth's heart, I should have known you'd break mine too." Leaving those final words twisting in Asra's chest, Ilya finally showed himself out._

_Part of Asra burned to retaliate, but that could have easily provoked Ilya into minutes more of melodrama, and his urgent need to retreat into the storm of thoughts and feelings brewing inside him won out._

_Faust's head loomed up from one of the pillows on the windowsill as Ilya passed. She didn't make any move to strike--all she did was look at him and hiss, thinking "Don't hurt Asra!" and Ilya shrieked and fumbled with the door. That would do for a retort._

_Once it slammed, Asra's light condensed and flared several bright, harsh shades before shattering into a small magical explosion with an incoherent yell of fury and despair. It didn't damage anything, just blew air thick with heat and a smoky smell into his face as the growing darkness surrounded him._

_For a moment, he was left in a silence that was no longer comfort, but charred emptiness._

_Until the sob escaped him._

_He sat on the stairs and fumed and cried. A friendly presence slithered across the room, then coiled up Asra's leg, then around his waist, and over his shoulder and squeezed. "Miss Amaranth."_

_Asra crossed his arms over his chest, hugging her back as well as he could. He did, so much._

_What had Amaranth told Ilya? Had it all been about his flaws and how he'd hurt them? Had they carried any fond memories of him into the earth, or had their entire history been marred in Amaranth's heart by one catastrophic moment? Would they have forgiven him, if he'd had the chance to ask?_

_If Ilya had known Amaranth to be heartbroken, Asra was in no position to deny his part in it, but there was one thing he was wrong about. "How_ **_dare_ ** _you, Ilya. Amma knew me better than anyone."_

_"Me?"_

_"Better than any human."_

_It occurred to him that he should have demanded Ilya's key back._

  
  
  
  


"I was wrong. Amaranth meant so much to you. They still do. That's what you meant last night, about losing someone, and I threw that loss in your face just because I was angry at not getting your attention! I shouldn't be surprised that you never really spoke to me again. You shouldn't even be speaking to me now, let alone--" 

"Ilya." 

He paused his groveling and looked at Asra, biting his lip. 

"I already forgave you." 

"Why?" he asked feebly. 

"It was my fault too. You were right that I was hiding from my own feelings. The cards tried to tell me that too, you know," Asra sighed. "Maybe if I'd listened sooner, things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. But you forgave me, so why shouldn't I forgive you?" 

"Because... because I…" Ilya looked away from him in shame, tears falling as he blinked. "I let them die." 

Asra doubted that. He put a hand on his shoulder. "And by that you mean they died, and you weren't able to stop it, but you blame yourself for the plague's doing?" 

"Maybe, if I'd, if I'd noticed sooner…" 

"Aren't red eyes impossible to miss?" There had to be something more to it than that. 

"I was working at the palace by then. I had them stay at the clinic to take care of Brundle and the leeches and do what they could to help in the city. I knew when I met Valdemar that I couldn't let them anywhere near Amaranth. Answering to them would be like their mother again but worse, and yet… I still knew they would have objected to their methods, even though they would have been terrified, even though it would have been a losing battle." 

"You didn't tell them what it was like, did you?"

"No," Ilya admitted. "They were less outgoing back then. It wasn't hard to get them to stay where they were, as long as they had no reason to worry and think I needed them." 

Asra supposed he had no right to judge him there. After all, he'd gone plenty of places without allowing Amaranth to follow. Still though, he hated the thought of Ilya pushing away help as he so often did to suffer on his own. Even when he'd had Asra, who'd known about the dungeon, Ilya hadn't actually talked much about it, more used him for a distraction. 

"I should have checked in on them more often." 

"Ilya, let's be honest, even if you _had_ been there, it's unlikely it would have mattered." 

"If I'd been a better doctor then." 

Asra wrapped Ilya in his arms, pulling him closer. "You're not a bad doctor. _No one_ knew what they were doing when it came to the red plague. Amma knew what they were getting into when they stayed in Vesuvia. They wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this." 

"They… they did leave a note saying that. Damn it Amma," Ilya muttered. 

"And… neither do I," Asra added. "Please." 

Ilya made an exaggerated huff, as though terribly inconvenienced by being forced to forgive himself. "Oh alright! I can't say no to _both_ of you."

"Are you going to let me kiss you now?" 

"Oh, right, uh, I stopped you from doing that earlier, didn't I? Sorry, I…"

Asra couldn't help but laugh. He hadn't even been trying to fluster him this time. The faces he made would never stop being adorable. 

"Hey!" Ilya protested, but there was a shy smile on the corner of his lip. 

Asra kissed him, and finally, Ilya started to relax around him. 

For a minute, they simply cuddled in the warm quiet of the garden, Asra enjoying the soft sounds of the trickling fountain, the distant music of the ballroom, and Ilya's slowing breaths. 

He was patient, waiting until his partner was completely at ease before asking the weighty question he could finally have the answer to. "Ilya, what did Amma say about me, back then?" 

"Oh, well, um… you really want to know?" 

"Yes. Please don't hold back." 

"Alright, well… they missed you, that's for sure. They talked quite a bit about you. A lot of little things made them think about you--places they'd been with you, things you'd done together, pieces of jewelry you would have liked, your favorite songs, your favorite tea." 

It had been much the same for Asra, but Faust was the only one he had ever let feel his memories. 

"They were… angry, at first. They said you were selfish, and you were upset because they wouldn't let you steal them away from the rest of the world. I bought them a set of those cards, since they didn't have their own, and they said that they weren't going to do magic anymore."

That stung. Asra loved the way Amaranth would smile with wonder in their eyes when they got a spell right or heard the voice of an arcana for the first time. He'd never wanted to take that power and joy away from them. Water pooled in his eyes, and this time Ilya was the one who pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

"I hung onto the deck though. They never forgot about you, but it became more of a bittersweet subject, and eventually, they did a reading on me. In the end, I don't think they hated you." 

That was a relief, at least--better than Asra had feared. "Were they happy?" 

"Well, you know, it was the red plague, but, we tried to make each other smile. We had some nice moments, and in that last message, they said they had no regrets." 

"Okay." It still didn't sound great to Asra, but he would have to accept it. The simple truth of the matter was, as he'd told Ilya, that it had been Amaranth's choice to make. Maybe if he had talked them into running off with him, they would have regretted it. Asra wiped away his tears. There was one more curiosity he had. "Were you and Amma partners back then?" 

"Umm… Uh..." 

Asra looked up to see the pink spreading across Ilya's cheeks. So it was as he'd suspected. "I'll take that as a yes." 

"...yes." 

"Go on," Asra smirked. 

"Alright," he smiled. "It was a late night when I came back after house calls and found Amaranth was still at the clinic, asleep with Brundle, with their head in a book. I said I'd walk them home, and they insisted that they would not turn in until I did. They could tell I hadn't slept much the night before and were upset about it." 

"So did you go to bed?" Asra asked, already knowing the answer. 

"I had some things I needed to write down, and then I may have gotten a little distracted trying to think of things to try against the plague." 

"Sounds right." 

"Before long they, uh, threatened to drag me to bed. I didn't think they were _actually_ going to do it, but then…"

"They did," Asra chuckled. 

"...yes." 

"I find it difficult to imagine them truly forcing you, given the size difference." 

"Well, uh… they took my arm with such determination… and affection. It was adorable. I couldn't just--" 

"Of course, you were too _starstruck_ to fight, weren't you, Ilya?" Asra teased. 

"Um…" he was glowing red by now. 

"I wish I could have seen your face." Truly, Asra did. Though he was happy Amaranth and Ilya had brought each other solace, there was a small part of him that ached for the moments of their lives he'd missed. 

"Asra?" There was a flicker of concern in Ilya's eyes. 

Maybe it wasn't such a small part of him, if it was showing. He put his smug expression back in place. "And then?" 

"Well…" the look lingered for a second, but he didn't press. "Once we got to my room, I pointed out that I could just go back to it after they left. They just glared at me and said 'no'. And then… I suggested that if they wanted to make sure I didn't misbehave, they could stay with me. I hadn't actually expected them to agree, but…" 

"They did."

"...yes." 

A loving, wistful smile graced Ilya’s lips, and Asra tried to only be happy for it. Perfect for each other. 

"Asra… is this making you jealous?" 

He sighed, and then asked himself why he'd been trying to hide it in the first place. He loved Ilya and wanted to give him the honesty he deserved now. Asra supposed this wasn't exactly something he was proud to admit. He'd agreed to the three of them being together only yesterday, and already, he was the one having a problem about it. Even so, Ilya wasn't judging him. It was only concern and love in his eyes. "I'm sorry." 

"It's alright. I'm sure you have some wonderful stories with Amma too that I wasn't a part of. Do you want to tell me one?" 

"It's not just over Amma." 

"Oh." Ilya looked just a little flattered at that. "I love you, Asra, and I'm glad you're with us too now." 

"I hurt both of you." 

"I know, but you're acting different now. I wasn't going to take you back, but then you opened up, about being afraid, and genuinely sorry, and I fell right back in love with you. And you're letting me in now too, even though it's difficult. And this thing you've started doing, where you make me tell stories, I love it. I love knowing you want to listen to me. But that's not to say that you can't still tell me to shut up sometimes! because, I mean…" He was blushing again, and also tearing up again. "I'm still into that too, and uh... I _do_ talk too much, but… what was I saying? See? I'm doing it right now. Oh, right, as for Amaranth, you make them happy. I've seen it. I know you do. And come on, you brought them back to life. That more than makes up for a spat, doesn't it?"

"I…" Did it? Asra desperately wanted to think so, but couldn't help but feel he'd ultimately done it for himself. They'd moved on. He never had. They hadn't had regrets, but he had. 

Ilya almost interrupted his doubts, Asra's hesitation leaving an opening, but then shut his mouth, which Asra appreciated. Ilya could go on all day, but if he wanted Asra to spill out his feelings, it would require a little patience.

"Amma was right about me being selfish. I was always the more jealous one. They didn't want to be tied down though. I knew that, and honestly, neither did I."

Ilya bit his lip, holding back a quip, but Asra could read his mind easily enough.

"Yes, yes, we all know _you_ want to be tied down." 

He burst into giggles for a second before pulling himself back together. "I'm still listening." 

"Well, I was mad when they chose Vesuvia over me, after everything we'd been through together, and… you know how that ended. They don't remember it, but I still regret it, a lot. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I'm already doing it again." 

"Oh Asra," Ilya sighed, brushing a hand through his hair. "It isn't just you, you know." 

"What?"

"You can still feel Amma with your special mystical bond thing. You think I don't feel a little jealous right now? And also useless, and like a third wheel in something I'll never completely understand. I still can't believe you both agreed to this." 

"You're not useless Ilya! I'm glad you're here with me now." He gasped a little when Asra pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. 

"Oh, um, thanks." 

"And it's not just about you not being a magician. The ritual formed some kind of connection between our hearts." 

"Oh, how romantic. I feel so much better now." Sarcasm, but with a genuine smile behind it. 

"I still don't entirely understand it either, if that helps." 

"It does a bit," Ilya chuckled. "Anyway, there you have it. If you're messing up for feeling that way, then so am I! I can promise you Asra, as a certified disaster, you are not going to mess up more than I will." 

"Okay, okay, we don't need to make it a contest." Asra realized he was genuinely smiling though. Feeling understood and less alone made his fears less frightening. This time, he wasn't going to run and hide from them. He loved Ilya and Amaranth too much to give up on what the three of them could be together. "I think I feel better now. Thanks Ilya." 

"Me too." 

Suddenly, they realized someone was approaching the fountain. Damn it, where exactly had Asra set the masks? There was no time. He knew where Ilya's face was, and put his hands on either side of it as he kissed him, obscuring as much as possible. Hopefully, whoever it was would walk away without disturbing them. 

"Ahem! Asra, Jules!" 

They groaned in unison, but Asra still held Ilya's head, and felt him smirk as he realized what Asra wanted to do. They kept kissing. 

"Hello? It's me, the count! You're supposed to pay attention to me when I talk!" 

They barely contained giggles as they continued to pretend not to hear Lucio. 

"Ugh, didn't you two break up? Why are you glued at the mouth all of a sudden? This isn't fair! Noddy is ignoring me! Everyone else is acting so weird about my glorious return! Can you believe it? This is the worst party ever! Are you assholes listening to me?!" 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Definitely an upright leaning Asra here. I don't think an Asra on the road to reversed end would have opened his heart to Julian.


End file.
